Pay attention!
Autism unraveled
Most people that know me will know me as a friendly person, yet socially awkward sometimes. I can be very introverted from time to time, and embarassingly wild and extrovert at other times. This is because I have a mild form of autism. Asperger’s syndrome, to be precise.
Lately I haven’t been doing too good. My studies at university refuse to pay off; I often fail my classes and this makes me feel useless, dumb and insecure from time to time. I even tend to doubt the power of prayer and the presence and involvement of God, and feel on my own. During these times, when I am slightly depressed, my social life will also suffer. I will be boxed up in my room, and even when I’m not there I will be very silent and not paying much attention in a conversation. Yes: you read that correctly: I may look you straight in the eye and nod at nearly everything you say, but not truly paying attention. Why? Because I’m too damn busy trying to figure out what I am supposed to say to keep the conversation going. How’s that for a productive way of communicating… The problem is that my view of social interaction is pointed inward. From my point of view, I need to keep the conversation going and interesting. I need to come up with a brilliant subject to debate.Thinking about that, I come to the conclusion that this is a very strange view on human-to-human interaction, since there’s usually at least two people involved, not just one.
The cure, however, is surprisingly simple: pay attention, you dipshit! Pay attention when you’re walking, feel the ground move under you, feel the floor vibrate and the earth moan (I am heavy). Feel the wind in your face. Taste the food you’re chewing. Notice how the water rushes down your back when you take a shower. Notice how your matress wil adapt to your posture when you lie in bed. Feel your fingers touch the keys as you tye a blog message. In other words, be aware of what you are doing. Be aware of your environment. If you can find the concentration and attention to notice these small things (as a person with autism you’ll work on it), you will be able to pay much more attention and be focused for longer on, for example, your studies. This will also have a positive effect on your social life. Last night I found myself at a party, knowing only one person. All the others were complete strangers. Pay attention to their conversations, see if you can hook up with that conversation. Or start your own during a silent moment. And don’t worry about what YOU will say next, worry about what the others will have to say.
I probably sound messed up (you have no idea…), stating things that sound very obvious to you. But for someone with autism, even a mild form, this sometimes takes a little effort to realise. The reason for this is that autistic people tend to be self centered. How does someone with autism change a light bulb? Grab the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around them. Seriously. This, however, is not selfishness. People with bad forms of autism simply don’t realise the existence of other people that have the same needs and feelings they do I suppose, but mildly autistic people just lack the ability to express themselves. They sometimes seem dumb and apathic, but you will often find them excelling at musical instruments, maths, languages and lots of other things; people with autism are usually very intellectually gifted. Unfurtunately for them though, their social solar system lacks a few planets. The ones with mild forms of autism (those capable of having at least some form of a social life) really do care about other people. I know I do. It’s just hard to express that. But something as simple as keeping your focus on the outside world and not on your own little universe can make worlds of difference. This is something that will take some getting used to for someone with autism when they just start, but will come naturally in the end.
So next time you talk to me and you see a glassy look in my eyes, don’t be afraid to remind me:
Pay attention, dipshit!
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